We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy heat pads and Bengay this week and here’s what we learned from Globe, Us Weekly, National Enquirer, In Touch and Star.

As expected, avoiding the express line has had its privileges.

  • Globe

    • A heartbroken Chelsea Clinton is worried about which of her parents will die first. The former White House resident says you can never be too prepared for 25 or 30 years in the future.
    • Patti Page hid a tragic illness from fans. It was a rare disease that caused her to stand immovably whenever she was by a man.
    • Secret intelligence files have revealed that British agents killed Princess Diana. And then aliens stole her body.
    • A new scandal has exploded at Sesame Street after someone confessed to being Elmo’s gay lover. The next 12 episodes of the show will be dedicated to teaching kids that lying for money is naughty and pathetic.
  • Us Weekly

    • Bethenny Frankel will have a $100 million divorce. She claims that as soon as the event planners and vendors hear the word “divorce” they jack up all the prices.
    • Kim Kardashian says her baby will not be on television. She said she’s been reading up on the subject and a bassinet or crib is the best place to keep a baby.
    • The officially pregnant Kate Middleton receives good news. She found out she really can save 15% by switching to GEICO.
    • Maci, of MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ took Ryan back. A source close to the mom says we shouldn’t worry. Like everyone in the ‘Teen Mom’ series, Maci is very good at making choices.
    Us Weekly
  • National Enquirer

    • Barbra Streisand had a shocking meltdown when she snapped and raged at Josh Brolin for his drunken arrest. He raged back at the diva, “Yeah?! Well, you made ‘The Mirror Has Two Faces!”
    • Kelly Ripa had a shocking meltdown when she was shamed by a fraud bombshell. It turns out she’s not a real boy even though she has the body of one.
    • Hillary Clinton is going blind. The good news is, she won’t have to try so hard to turn a blind eye to her husband’s extracurricular activities.
    • Demi Moore has a weird, wrinkly belly. And the National Enquirer just purchased an updated version of PhotoShop.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • Khloe Kardashian was in tears after finding out that her sister Kim was pregnant. Surprisingly, she just couldn’t handle the thought of what Kimye sex must be like.
    • Taylor Swift and One Direction’s Harry Styles are done after a fight that ended it all. Unfortunately “ended it all” doesn’t cover quite as much having to do with both Taylor Swift and One Direction as you’d hope.
    • Photos of Sean prove he’s the sexiest Bachelor ever on ABC’s reality show. We didn’t actually read this story. You heard about the photos, right?
    • Curvy celebs are hitting the beach in bathing suits. And by curvy, they mean “you can’t see all of their bones.”
    In Touch
  • Star

    • Sources from the Palace say there are new fears for underweight expectant mother Kate Middleton. The royal family is afraid they might have to temporarily stop trotting her out every time they need to pretend they have a personality.
    • Kristen Stewart, Julia Roberts and Tori Spelling are among Hollywood’s top ten homewreckers who found lasting love. For now, obviously.
    • Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’ vacation ended in tears. The staff, who was making thousands of dollars a day selling candid photos of them, was very sad to see the cash cow couple go.
    • Demi Moore had very loud sex in Mexico. A source confirms very emphatically that the loud sounds were sex and not the result of Moore drinking the water.