So yesterday, millions of American cellphones went off as FEMA tested its national emergency alert system. It was already known and put out by FEMA that NOT ALL cell phones would receive the alert and I was one of those who didn't receive a text.

I'm not upset about it, because according to reaction all across social media, the texts were universally panned as an annoyance and invasion of privacy. For the rest of us living in blissful ignorance, here's a few reasons, I suspect, why we didn't get one. Grab your nearest roll of aluminum foil and put your hat on with me as I "guess" why we were left off the list:

THE FOLLOWING IS THE OPINION OF MELZ ON THE MIC, IT IS NOT FACTUAL IN ANYWAY SO PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. Thanks!

  • 1

    You Are Still Carrying One Of These..

    You're not a texter and you damn sure don't need apps on your phone, why throw away the phone you've been using since the start of this century? It still works, but because its outdated, the government didn't put any of its "chips" in there.

    Photo by Julia Conner
  • 2

    You were LITERALLY already under a rock

    Oh, you were already preparing for the coming apocalypse? Carry on, nothing happened, go back to  your bunker and your MRE's friend. All is well...*writes down address*

    Via OurFredricksburg on YouTube
  • 3

    They Don't Want You To Know About The Purge

    You know that movie franchise "The Purge" which describes a future America where crime is legal for one night? If you didn't get a "presidential alert", they may not want you to know about it. All I'm saying is, find your fellow friends who didn't get the text and formulate your team.